Duke Nukem (1991-2011)

Level Design Classic
“Now with 3X MORE CORRIDOR TURNS!!”

So…erm……not very good, I gather?

I find it difficult to say anything that hasn’t already been said on reams of digital paper, but I have heard comparisons of DNF with Superman Returns, another product with a lengthy gestation period. I think there are still significant differences, though, since SR was stuck in development hell for a long time because they could never get to the stage of filming it properly for most of those years. So although many inexplicable millions were wasted on aborted scripts, tentative casting and whatnot, the actual film only got rolling in 2004. DNF, for good or ill, was under active development for 12 years. Sure, most of the effort (indulgent, plodding effort, but still) kept getting binned because Broussard kept repicking engines like a toddler seeing something shiny. But for the result to be this…well, it’s still moderately mind-boggling.

I think there’s a good case to be made that most fans really just wanted DN3D with a fresh coat of paint. Sure, DNF had to be a new game, but it had to feel like DN3D with 2011 (OK, at least 2005) graphical textures and models. And really, the biggest problem of the game, beyond the cosmetic horrifically offensive stuff, was that the game didn’t really feel like a shooter. It felt like a series of mini-games that had some first person shooter elements sprinked through it as an afterthought. The point has also been belabored in all the reviews that it’s a mutant fusion of the worst parts of the FPS genre from the two eras, 90s and 00s. By infusing itself with the linear level designs, regnerating health and limited weapon encumbrance count so prevalent in console shooters, the game was dooming (no pun intended) itself even over the already impressive obstacles it had to face.

I guess this really is the end of the era of “design is law” school of game development. You can blame Broussard and Romero for that, and maybe to a lesser extent, people like Molyneux. Checks and balances is the only way forward these days, especially with development budgets being so bloated. I bet you 300 quatloos the damn tell-all book on the whole damn debacle will sell like nobody’s business. It would probably outsell the game.

P.S: Jaysus, did he really lose that much? Fool and money etc.

“This summer, be prepared to see what you saw…again.”

2012: ICE AGE (Official Trailer)

Someone tell Asylum that their Day After Tomorrow ripoff is a few years late, though I did like the bit at the end. The trailer needs to be more ridiculous…perhaps add more “BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID…” overripe orchestrals?

I did find THIS to be far better in the B-sense. It’s delicious, I can just sense it. And I find it hilarious the only thing Asylum could think of that was noteworthy enough to include in the description was “Starring Debbie Gibson and Tiffany”.

“This court finds you guilty of foul play”

The perfect picture of a career of nonchalant dickery
The perfect picture of a career of nonchalant dickery

No, just no, “Scholesy”. If you had pulled that defence ten years ago, it MIGHT have carried some water. But at the close of a career, as a post-mortem, one thing is clear. You’re either what everyone accuses you of, or you just didn’t give a shit enough to improve your game enough so that the tag doesn’t apply to you. Attempting tackles (often!) that have no academic difference from that launched by a cynical tackler means you ARE a cynical tackler to everyone else in the world. I would suggest if you didn’t play for Manyoo, IF you weren’t coddled by Fergie, IF English referees and fans didn’t laugh off the most astonishing challenges with the ever-present “Oh, it’s only Scholesy…”, you would find playing for a league bottom-half club with that mentality and behaviour a rude shock. Enough to, say, get you carded straight into Division 2.

Trying the “but I didn’t shear off anyone’s leg” tactic doesn’t work either, the only reason it didn’t happen is just the law of averages. A player in a small club doing the same stuff will do it more often, since the side will generally be under siege by bigger and better teams. Hence, there’s no reason why Scholes won’t do a Shawcross or Taylor if he was forced to ply his trade elsewhere than Manyoo. Working on that side of the game isn’t a waste of time, ESPECIALLY if you keep doing risky tackles as a force of habit. Manyoo would actually benefit from a player that didn’t have zero competence in defence and had to be paired with a water carrier in Keane, Hargreaves, Carrick, Anderson, Fletcher et al, reducing the tactical flexibility of the team. I hate to say it, but now that all their careers are winding down, it’s sad to see the Neviller being the most sensible of Fergie’s bumper crop (besides that pesky problem of trolling Pool).

Oh, since we’re on the subject of repelling footballing objects….this made for unintentional comedy too.

Sums up prefectly Keane's recent form for his club(s).
Sums up prefectly Keane’s recent form for his club(s).

Can the 90s PLEASE take back its wayward, pen-wielding sons?

As if Liefeld doing stuff for DC wasn’t horrific enough as an abstract concept (much less as reality), he’s restarting a lot of his old properties. A certain Mr Ellis doesn’t seem to be very amused. Need I remind everyone that Liefeld was the Michaelangelo that bought us THIS?

LADIIIIIES.....

I hope his due dilligence into anatomical research has paid off since, though I suspect at the rate Marvel are using up Captain Americas, the property might become as worthless as Jean Grey soon. All he needs is to reclaim his Sith apprentice Pat Lee and we’ll be all set.

P.S: Can everyone just IGNORE Mr Granito the troll? I’ll appreciate it very much. By next year we should have The Core II ready to hit screens just by filming his fantastic escapades.

It's getting hot down here

I’ll show ’em. I’ll show ’em ALL…

“This summer, robots must clash….”

WTH, Logan? Did somebody blackmail you? This feels like a fake trailer from Tropic Thunder, not to mention the entire concept seems like what you would get if you put Never Back Down and some tokusatsu show together into the blender, with the result being worse than the sum of the parts. Hugh Jackman might have reached the “cash-in” phase of his career, it seems.

Man, it looks even worse in motion now

just award the next season of Jersey Shore to Connor and be done with it

What the hell have you wrought, Jim Lee? Now I understand you’re blissfully reliving the 90s every second in your brainpan, but the world has moved on 11 years. As co-publisher you have final say on any design, so really, the buck stops with you. Almost every costume is a complete mess of busywork and the less said about the incredible hackjobs done on Connor, Dinah, Zatanna and Harley, the better. All that’s missing are pouches and since Unca Rob is back..shudder. If I wanted X-Men team suits I’ll go read effin’ Marvel’s Wolverine and the New Heroic Non-Fearing Schismatic Uncanny Avenging X-Men.

DO NOT PANIC, PRESS CTRL-ALT-DEL

 

So unless you’ve been hibernating under some mossy rock, you should have heard about the DC “reboot” of their entire product line. I’ll not go into ranting screeds about the complete disappearance of their old Earth-2 characters like the JSA including Power Girl and Dr Fate, a JLI with a freaking Great Ten character shoehorned in, some frankly asinine character designs that seems to come straight out from the 90s Jim Lee stable, the complete devaluation of decently written (at least in recent times) characters such as Steph Brown, Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain and Wally West nor the probable and insane decision to persist with the abomination that is Cry for Justice on the continuity map. There’s also THE major sticking issue, trying to pretend The Killing Joke never happened (it’s only been what, 23 years?) However, I haven’t really seen any significant articles discussing the actual economical viability of the DC relaunch, which is why this writeup by Brian Hibbs over at CBR examining the brick and mortar consequences is badly needed.

It’s only basic economics in hindsight, but every SKU obviously needs a basic level of sales to amortize the product sufficiently that it makes bean counter sense for every player in the supply chain to continue producing, distributing and/or selling it. Considering some of the ridiculous levels DC has sunk to get the 52-book launch (seriously, resorting to using Liefeld again for a critical launch period? How long is Hawk & Dove going to last?), it’s pretty much a mockery there’s any economies of scale on their end as well when they’re spread so thin. At the end of the day, it seems that the retail front of the industry is simply going the way of the dodo, and this is less a bold new direction and more a desperate last throw of the dice to find some new casual readers, basically the group that impulse buy iTune tracks here and there.

The risk of course is that they alienate the core customer base which might use this moment as a stepping point in these uncertain times to get rid of an expensive habit, but fail to generate a significant increase in new sales to make up for the drain, or at least long term readers that will continue reading (or paying!) beyond the short initial sales bump. Then there’s the delicate issue of pricing with regards to online buyers, who are once again given the shaft with regards to equal pricing to retail store SKUs. not to mention the elephant in the room: a potential problem in 0-day releases if Apple is your gatekeeper, who can complete fubar any release schedule if and when they feel like it, and they also have a rather egregious censorship policy that might throw spanners into the writing/drawing works when self-censorship has been the norm since the de facto abandonment of the CCA.

All in all, these are uncertain and (and to me) very dark times for the comics industry. And that’s not even considering the eye-rolling bandwagon effect.