If Premier League Team Names Were Based On Their Logos

So judging from the recent news Euro 2012 is becoming (more of) a fiasco for the England national team, with Woy making nonsensical picks, players like Carrick and Richards (with some justification) taking their ball and going home, everyone conveniently getting injured and now some hulabaloo with regards to Rio throwing a hissy fit after being passed over because Woy selected Kelly to replace Cahill, and Kelly isn’t even a CB! I have zero sympathy for Woy because he just had to pick EBJT, and everything around that asswipe has to be a man-management nightmare.

Of course all this is small news compared to Henderson, Downing, Gerrard, Carroll, G.Johnson and now Kelly being swept into the final squad. This led to two competing hilarious theories currently being circulated.

  1. The England manager is a complete wuss that lost his pair and is placating the rabid RAWK crowd by picking as many (non)-performing Pool players as possible
  2. He’s actually a vindictive genius and is planning to both tire and demoralize the Pool squad after an exhausting, humiliating and fruitless Euro campaign.

In the first theory he’s wasting his time since there’s very little overlap between a Little Englander national team fan and a rabid YNWA cultist. It’s doubly pointless especially because he had the temerity to replace the Fat Spanish Waiter, which is practically almost a death sentence on the Anfield terraces. As for the second theory, that would mean he doesn’t mind them hating him even MORE at the expense of scuppering his ricebowl. Either way, it’s a comedy and we should enjoy it while we can, because the media have their knives ready for poor befuddled Woy.

Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey has been let go by Villa. Some would say he should have stayed a winger and things might have turned out very differently if nearly every manager in his life wasn’t obsessed with transforming him into a (pretty ineffectual) battering ram. The man has been capped 79 times by England, if you count U21 appearances. So let’s look at the record of other notable English players as well over the years shall we?

Stan Collymore – 3
Robbie Fowler – 34
Paul Gascoigne – 70
Glen Hoddle – 65
Geoff Hurst – 49
Paul Ince – 55
Kevin Keegan – 63
Matt Le Tissier – 29
Paul Scholes – 69
Alan Shearer – 74
Teddy Sheringham – 52

So it’s not hard to make out that Heskey trumps all of them. Heck, he even has more caps than Collymore, Fowler and Le Tissier put together. Now, there are of course caveats…..various players have had more competition for places over their active careers, leading to a reduced number. Still, just look at it and MARVEL. It’s really a stunning indictment of the real depth England had during its “golden generation” phase.

As expected, people are waxing lyrical over his supposed footballing demise. Then again, people have been doing that for the last few years and he’s still employed by a PL club until now. I won’t lay any bets he will fall out of the first division.

“Farewell to one of the greatest England’s footballing talent. Sadly, England couldn’t find the style of football that would have been suitable for him. Shame on you, England!”

“Why would Villa release him? He was one of their best players.”

tsk tsk, be kind ur hecklers. Where would Owen be without him?

Klan King Kenny Dalglish delivered this stunning piece of reasoning last week in his usual amiable interview(s) before the Swansea game:

“Also financially, the figures that are bandied about, to me, don’t match up with the balance sheet that came out a couple of weeks ago. It said in July 2011 that there was a £40m deficit in transfers but since then we have sold £17m worth of players. Raul [Meireles] went for £12m and David Ngog went to Bolton for £5m. To me that brings it down to £23m, so that’s not a bad spend is it? That must be official figures. It is the balance sheet. I don’t think it’s too bad.”

Did someone break it gently to the imbecile you’re supposed to look at BOTH columns of a ledger? Did Torres spring forth from the Pool academy system like a Scouse Minerva from the thick skull of the halfwit ZZZeus? Or did they pay five farthings for his services to Atletico? Maybe they’re preparing their own net spend statement in support right now. With such an insane figurehead, no wonder the RAWK brigade is such a lovable lot.

Ah hindsight, that most MAGIKAL of things:

“We have the ability and I think Liverpool certainly should be aiming to finish among the Champions League places. Then there is always that dream, a little dream, about actually winning the Premier League.

“Maybe not playing in the Europa League this year will really help us. We will be able to focus on the league and on getting as high up the table as possible.”

It was a most satisfying year in the English Kit Deal Premier League though. As well as the But We Hit a Lot of Woodwork! League.