Torres misses an open goal

I’m hardly the biggest fan of the man, but you’ve got to pity him a tad because that is truly a miserable miss. Still, the pic is hilarious if only because of the schadenfreude the home support is piling on him. Even de Gea looks pretty stunned.

Here’s the video that almost everyone has seen since Sunday, Ronny “Rocket” Rosenthal’s miss from 1992:

Extraordinary Soccer Miss

“This court finds you guilty of foul play”

The perfect picture of a career of nonchalant dickery
The perfect picture of a career of nonchalant dickery

No, just no, “Scholesy”. If you had pulled that defence ten years ago, it MIGHT have carried some water. But at the close of a career, as a post-mortem, one thing is clear. You’re either what everyone accuses you of, or you just didn’t give a shit enough to improve your game enough so that the tag doesn’t apply to you. Attempting tackles (often!) that have no academic difference from that launched by a cynical tackler means you ARE a cynical tackler to everyone else in the world. I would suggest if you didn’t play for Manyoo, IF you weren’t coddled by Fergie, IF English referees and fans didn’t laugh off the most astonishing challenges with the ever-present “Oh, it’s only Scholesy…”, you would find playing for a league bottom-half club with that mentality and behaviour a rude shock. Enough to, say, get you carded straight into Division 2.

Trying the “but I didn’t shear off anyone’s leg” tactic doesn’t work either, the only reason it didn’t happen is just the law of averages. A player in a small club doing the same stuff will do it more often, since the side will generally be under siege by bigger and better teams. Hence, there’s no reason why Scholes won’t do a Shawcross or Taylor if he was forced to ply his trade elsewhere than Manyoo. Working on that side of the game isn’t a waste of time, ESPECIALLY if you keep doing risky tackles as a force of habit. Manyoo would actually benefit from a player that didn’t have zero competence in defence and had to be paired with a water carrier in Keane, Hargreaves, Carrick, Anderson, Fletcher et al, reducing the tactical flexibility of the team. I hate to say it, but now that all their careers are winding down, it’s sad to see the Neviller being the most sensible of Fergie’s bumper crop (besides that pesky problem of trolling Pool).

Oh, since we’re on the subject of repelling footballing objects….this made for unintentional comedy too.

Sums up prefectly Keane's recent form for his club(s).
Sums up prefectly Keane’s recent form for his club(s).

John O’Shea is paid more than Ryan Giggs. Repeat as many times as needed.

My hairline has receded but my skills have not
“I’m not TOO bitter about it, but an attractive medical hair care package for employees would be good, right, Roon?”

Now that the away leg of the first CL semi-final (Neuer vs Manyoo without Neuer, Unsuccessful David vs Goliath Edition) has played itself out, I thought this worthy of comment. The irony is so thick it’s like some sort of viscous sea I could swim in. To be fair, even Fergie probably never expected his most trusty long-term retainer to have the kind of freakish impact he had in the last 1-2 years, BUT EFFIN’ JOHN O’SHEA. It’s not the only eye-rolling football factoid on that list. Not to belabor the point too much, but Tevez’s wages from The Club Formerly Known as Plucky Citeh are insane. Although a very good player, he isn’t even vaguely in the same league as his countryman Messi, whether in an absolute or relative sense. Tevez simply doesn’t have the impact compared to Messi for their respective teams, as seen by Citeh’s tactics and how horribly dependent Barcelona have appeared in the last 1-2 months on Messi. But hey, how else is an oil sheik going to get players? Except for Robinho, he really was that dense.