So judging from the recent news Euro 2012 is becoming (more of) a fiasco for the England national team, with Woy making nonsensical picks, players like Carrick and Richards (with some justification) taking their ball and going home, everyone conveniently getting injured and now some hulabaloo with regards to Rio throwing a hissy fit after being passed over because Woy selected Kelly to replace Cahill, and Kelly isn’t even a CB! I have zero sympathy for Woy because he just had to pick EBJT, and everything around that asswipe has to be a man-management nightmare.

Of course all this is small news compared to Henderson, Downing, Gerrard, Carroll, G.Johnson and now Kelly being swept into the final squad. This led to two competing hilarious theories currently being circulated.

  1. The England manager is a complete wuss that lost his pair and is placating the rabid RAWK crowd by picking as many (non)-performing Pool players as possible
  2. He’s actually a vindictive genius and is planning to both tire and demoralize the Pool squad after an exhausting, humiliating and fruitless Euro campaign.

In the first theory he’s wasting his time since there’s very little overlap between a Little Englander national team fan and a rabid YNWA cultist. It’s doubly pointless especially because he had the temerity to replace the Fat Spanish Waiter, which is practically almost a death sentence on the Anfield terraces. As for the second theory, that would mean he doesn’t mind them hating him even MORE at the expense of scuppering his ricebowl. Either way, it’s a comedy and we should enjoy it while we can, because the media have their knives ready for poor befuddled Woy.

Torres misses an open goal

I’m hardly the biggest fan of the man, but you’ve got to pity him a tad because that is truly a miserable miss. Still, the pic is hilarious if only because of the schadenfreude the home support is piling on him. Even de Gea looks pretty stunned.

Here’s the video that almost everyone has seen since Sunday, Ronny “Rocket” Rosenthal’s miss from 1992:

Geological stability sure is a bitch, ain’t it? And now we’ve gotten that out of the way, to the more important things we go:

"Don't worry, we've got a few millenia worth of practice..."

“Don’t worry, we’ve got a few millenia worth of practice…”

Hmm, I’ve got a few myself here if they need any…

“I think it’s patently clear that the Doctor has once again saved the entire world, this time from the insidious alien menace known as The Rapture.”

“There will be no Rapture until Duke Nukem Forever is released.”

“Our souls WERE raptured! That means we’re all zombies right now!” *Then Magia starts to play*

“He was pleased with the blow-up dolls and decided to spare us.”

“The Quakinator was past its warranty date and he has to bring it back to the factory in Andromeda.”

“Obama stopped the antigrav beams with his nigger powers!”

“Obama casts Planar Seal”

“God only has 56k of bandwidth, you insensitive clods! Gonna take a while to transfer 10^22 bytes.”

But wait…..what do we have here?

That's one lava font that's staying on message

Grimsvotn:I took Midas Money from some dude named Camping, SO?

A few nervous moments there….but look, up in the sky!




EDIT:Wait, WUT? Why didn’t anyone tell me Satirewire is active again? Brilliant weekend.